I do not know what is happening on me.
I just feel depressed every single night.
And I hate this fucking feeling!
A week ago, one of my buddy,
She's came all over from Kuala Lumpur to Kampar.
Actually, there's quite long time I did not meet her.
Since she coming for me, then I just welcome her.
Her arrival to my place does makes my life brighter.
At least, when she is here, I am not so depressed like usual.
You know what, she's a psychological diploma graduate.
So, I took her for a walk.
We went to the one of the Kampar's restaurant
called "Kam Ling"
for its' famous dish Curry Chicken Bun
After that, we shopping in Jusco Ipoh for a moment.
Then, I took her for dinner in Kampar
and introduce her some friends of mine.
Of course, we're having an enjoyable dinner,
the whole process of dinner are full of chats and laughters.
However, when we reached my hostel, she told me,
"The way I'm interacting with my friends is different and I looked uneasy"
I shocked that she able to look through my minds
by just observing my behaviour on dinner table.
But, this is not the thing I wanted to highlight.
Just that I had too much of secrets which I could not shared.
Just that I had too much of walls instead of bridge
in terms of connecting with peoples.
I felt I'm like an alien, abnormal in the eye of society.
I'm lonely and I'm hidden. Nobody is going to recognize me.
I couldn't express the real me and it's going to makes me suffocate.
I have thought before to meet psychologist to solve my problem.
But I knew that, even I meet the psychologist,
if I do not open my inner self, nobody could help me.
I knew that I had rely too much on friends, the one I love.
Because I could not afford to live my life alone.
I'm afraid.
I wish my friend could help me to solve my fear.
I wish I could open up my heart.
